


Hollow

by RedRoseWhite



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Child Loss, Childbirth, Depressing, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Pregnancy, Premature Birth, Suicidal Thoughts, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24795418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedRoseWhite/pseuds/RedRoseWhite
Summary: Ben survived Exegol, made a home with Rey and should have lived happily ever after.Instead, he is alone in a flowering field on Naboo, digging a grave.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 25
Kudos: 70





	Hollow

**Author's Note:**

> *~*~ This story is very sad, please don't read it if the tags trigger you. ~*~*

Ben is hollow. He has nothing inside. He’s just arms and a back and the sound of a shovel, digging. 

The sun is so bright but he’s in agony. More pain than he felt on Exegol when he was clinging in that pit. He’d thought nothing could be worse than being awash in mortal peril and probable futility, than dragging himself toward the juddering blue light above, not knowing if it meant that he was about to witness Rey’s disintegration. Propelled by a fear that forced him with an iron grip to do _something_ , whatever he could. When he’d been grappling at the stones to get back up, he was terrified of what would be waiting for him when he got there, but he just couldn’t not do it. He did it. He had shared his life with Rey, grasping his mother’s saber and using the kyber inside as an amplifier. It cracked with the strain of pulling enough Force through Ben to infuse it with life energy that Rey could use, but the ripple was strangely gentle. Ben took it as a sign that his mother approved. They had enjoyed a few quiet minutes before agreeing that he had to disappear. Whoever would be leading, would be looking for him. Nobody but Rey would be satisfied by his redemption. They’d all howl in a unified call for his death, one life in exchange for Lor San Tekka and Han Solo and Admiral Ackbar and and and and and. 

Now, he wishes that he had died. Sometimes, over the past three days, he’s thought he was mostly dead already. Maybe he should go to the Core and show his notorious face, and give them all the satisfaction of ending his wretched, miserable life. 

The wish is a stain that washes over and through all of the shining memories of the past year. Every happiness tainted. Rey, finding him on Dantooine. Sneaking him onto the _Falcon._ So many kisses and caresses, the curve of her back against his chest at night. Rey throwing away every other promise and every scrap of loyalty to anything else, settling with him in a modest homestead on Tatooine. In the middle of nowhere.

The thought of that place, once so cozy and perfect for them, makes Ben choke now with loathing and regret. How could they have been so stupid. So far from any medbay, but they thought they had so much more time. Time for all of the sweetest things in life, the giggling breakfasts and the shared chores. Seeing who could strain the spring of a clothespin and launch it the furthest when they hung their clothes out to dry. Ben got good distance, but when they started marking targets Rey had the better aim. Experimenting with small hydroponic tanks to grow fresh green things, a collaboration of their engineering skills that meant they could have some of the galaxy’s more delicate vegetables, sometimes. 

Then, their other collaboration. 

The reason why he was here, on Naboo, now.

Longing to kiss the benevolent face of Death.

Rey is meditating, because it’s the only time she doesn’t cry. She’s on the _Falcon_ , because she can’t bear to watch what Ben is doing. She’s waiting for her chronolog to buzz, because the pain in her body is rising again and it’s almost the right interval for her dose.

The familiar homogenous hum of her breath keeps her anchored to the meditative state, and Rey tentatively just lets it flow, one more small piece of her mind that she can unclench from around. It’s been three days since her soul was grabbed by the universe, wrenched and crumpled and mercilessly squeezed into one ball of anguish until she knew nothing else. She doesn’t know when she’s going to unfurl again, or even if she ever will. Maybe she just…. won’t. Maybe she will just refuse to eat and go to sleep and never wake up again. Rey can’t tell when she lost the thread of meditation, but as the calm state ebbs away from her, she topples flat on the bed and shoves her face in a pillow and screams and screams and screams. 

~*~

They were on a supply run in the Outer Rim. Anonymous and unnoticed. She’d waited to wake him; she wanted to be sure. Rey kept waiting for the pain to subside, to be just a twinge, but it only kept mounting, and so did her fear, until finally she couldn't face it alone anymore. 

Saying it made it all true.

_Ben… Ben… wake up… the baby is coming already._

_What? Now? No, it's too soon, it's only been about thirty weeks…_

Another contraction that she couldn't even speak through. The look on Ben's face. She tried to keep ahold of his hand but he was already running from the bed, leaping into the pilot seat.

_We’ll get you to a medbay. We have to stop this._

The rumble of the engine vibrated her to the tips of her fingers. She should have told him to stop wasting fuel. They had only been flying for thirty kliks when she limped towards the copilot seat, where her water broke onto the floor, and when Ben stared at it, the water broke from his eyes, too. 

Everything was happening so fast, they were always going to be too late, no matter what they tried to do. Too soon, too fast, too late. Rey watched the bottom half of Ben's face set, stoic and strong, while his eyes reddened and watered. They took her back to the bed. 

_He…. he won't live, will he?_

_No._ Ben’s eyes. He couldn't look at her. _It's too early. He can't._

She needed to be on all fours, hunching forward helped her deal with the contractions. Rey rocked back and forth on her fists and knees and sobbed. Ben set a course for somewhere else, and came to her side, to stay.

_Rey, I need you to listen._

She could not stop crying, it was impossible. This was the worst thing that had ever happened to her. Worse than being abandoned. Worse than almost dying of thirst when she was twelve. Worse than being knocked out and kidnapped by a stranger in a mask. Worse than fighting for her own life too many times. 

_It's alright if you can't answer, just nod, okay?_

Rey bobbed her head.

_If we make a mistake, I could lose you both. That cannot happen. It can't. I couldn't. I will die too, if it does. You have to try and stay with me, alright sweetheart?_

Part of her truly didn't want to. She did less holonet reading than Ben did, but she knew there were things she could do to try and stay with her baby instead of going on with Ben. Not clamp the cord and cut it too soon. Not be careful about the afterbirth, making sure it all came out. But she also knew that Ben would watch over these things. She was trapped in a world where the baby she wanted was dying, and not even the comfort of Ben's arms would be enough to sweeten her grief. She drifted in the fog of despair and waited for something new to arise, until

_Ben I have to push I have to I have to I can't stop it please help_

Rey's body was a swirling galaxy of stars and she was both of it and outside of it, pulling it into being. She was made of the cosmic dust that made everything and she had it in her clenched hands and she was making the world. She pushed twice and then Ben's hands were on her and he eased their baby's shoulders between her legs, and it was so fast and easy because he was too small. She lowered herself to the bed on her side and Ben put the baby right next to her, the cord ropey against her belly. He lay down facing them both and placed a hand gently on their son. Rey did the same. She felt him, tiny and fragile and struggling futilely to breathe. 

_We love you so much,_ Ben whispered to him.

 _We’ll love you forever,_ Rey said. 

They never stopped gently touching him for the rest of his life, which lasted a few minutes more. They bathed him in waves of their yearning for him. He floated peacefully away from them in a current that carried him to become one with all things. When he could finally wrench himself away from them, Ben used a knife to cut the cord. Rey felt like she could not move even though she was having contractions again and the afterbirth was coming. There was a soft blanket they'd already cut into fours, and Ben wrapped the baby in it, then picked up the bundle and held it to his chest. 

_I know a beautiful, peaceful place for him to rest,_ Ben promised. _I set the course. We’ll be there soon._

She moved back to kneel on the bed, all of her tears flowing onto her neck, and delivered the afterbirth into Ben's hands, staring at the little yellow bundle that lay silent and still in the sleeping-basket beside the bed, that she’d bought on Ord Mantell. 

~*~

  
  


He practices what he is going to say, all the way to the _Falcon_ from the place he chose. He can't say it in a way that will make it worse for Rey. Ben doesn’t look at her tearful face, just the way her hands are tucked together under the pillow. Perfectly aligned.

“The spot is ready. You don’t have to come if you…. can’t.” 

“No, I’m coming,” She says, and gets up from the bed. The tone is one that Ben knows now, she cycles through them and now she is at the hardened determination stage. The one where she does the most frightening thing by simply denying every other possibility. By putting her head down and running at it. Once she’s been made exhausted by this, she will collapse and seek comfort, then she will helplessly keen with despair. Then she’ll get angry. Then it will begin again.

Ben waits to see if Rey heads to the cargo bay to collect the final piece, but instead she goes down the ramp and leaves the ship, which means that Ben will have to be the one to go there. He takes a deep breath that feels like swallowing a hundred knives. He goes to the quietest coolest corner in the cargo bay and opens a little crate lined with softness, and does what a man has to do.

Being surrounded by such beauty is odd for Rey when she’s crawling out of her own body in heartbreak. Back when she was dazed and blood-smeared and so very cold, before more tears had come, Ben promised her it would be peaceful here, a good place to rest. He’s never lied to her yet. 

She stares at the shapes the wind is stirring on the surface of the lake, listens to the shimmering noise of the leaves on the weeping tree nearby. An insect that Rey has never seen before hovers from purple flower to white flower. Ben dug just at the edge of the tree, so it seems sheltered by the trunk but also open to the sun. Shadow and light will pass over this place in equal measure for years to come. She’s picturing the patterns they will make over hours and months and years when she feels Ben’s warm presence come up behind her.

Rey cannot look, she stares at the lake, and only knows by her peripheral vision that Ben is kneeling slowly and carefully placing a too-small too-early bundle in the ground and rising and sobbing and moving the earth over where he dug, using a shovel with more gentleness and grace than anyone ever has before. 

Rey hears him say it. Ben says “Goodbye, Galen Solo”, and breaks apart. 

She still can’t look, she will never look again, but at the sound of the name they chose, it’s her turn to go to her knees. With the urge to move and do something to connect to this beautiful place so that she can live in her disappointing failed body instead of her agonized mind, Rey uses her hands to help Ben push the mound of soil back from where it came, and together, they bury their son. 

**Author's Note:**

> In the Galactic Standard Calendar, one week only has five days, so 30 GSC weeks is equivalent to 21 seven-day weeks.


End file.
